Envy

2 12 2010

This is from something I wrote months ago.  I was in a rough spot at the time…

Envy and jealousy are a part of me. They are something that I struggle with on a daily basis. I want to be noticed, included, recommended and invested in like everyone else I know.  Maybe I’m not the type of person that they want to talk to. Maybe I don’t have any thing to add to them. Maybe I am really worried about my self worth.

I think that is probably what it comes down to. That or pride. I think recognition is vital. When individuals are recognized, they feel like they are doing a good job. The weird thing is that even if the people I want recognition or approval from were to give me what I wanted, I think they would be pretty annoying to me. Why is it that I feel like I need to be recognized? Can I not find my worth in God? Why is that so difficult for me?

Humility and wisdom are the things that I desire, but sometimes I want the humility and wisdom because someone else has it and I want to be better than them. I’m a messed up individual that has some serious struggles. I don’t spend enough time with God talking about what we are doing together because I don’t include him in what I’m doing “for Him.” Disgusting.

God help me to focus on you more. Thanks for using me in the midst of my imperfections. I’m sorry I do these things, help me to be better. You are in control of my life, it is yours and I want to die to my sin daily. Give me wisdom and understanding because it is what we desire for me. Guide me as I try to stop comparing myself to others. I love you God and I’m thankful for where you have me right now. Thanks for what you are doing at this church and allowing me to be a part of it. Amen.

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